the best 1991 318is CL advertisment I've ever seen

[Armond]

hahaha

OK, let me start off by saying this 318is is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this BMW would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.

It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that's what your Prius is for. If that's the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.

This car was engineered by German militants with a passion for wiping the smile off faces to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don't even know what the hell On Star is).

No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 185 HP engine to outrun the cops. It's got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself. The 318is also has a manual transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll still be able slide into lower gears with ease while maintaining ability to shoot your machine gun out the window. It's saved my bacon more than once.

It has room for you and the three hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There's no tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun but with crisp M technic suspension - who needs more artillery when you can just out-drive the buggers . It will need a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.

My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $4,300, but I'll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $2,000 for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.

There's only 97,XXX miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.

Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.

To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants.

Rock on.

http://denver.craigslist.org/cto/1454656820.html

[williamggruff]

Let it be written, and let it be true, and let it be used as a guide for us in all our future endeavors.

Praised be unto him who has crafted such verse.

williamggruff

[Darryl]

This posting has been flagged for removal

[MrNvgtr]

God's word was refuted. Now God's chariot suffers the same ridicule.

[Harv]

That is the best add I have ever seen!

And all true regarding an e30 318is.

John

[SteveJ]

Now watch.

The ad will get reposted with only, "BMW $4300" for the entire text for fear of offending anybody. Not even a year or model or color.

It was probably a Prius owner that flagged it.

[Delia]

I like the part about 185 hp from an M42.

My 318is has a mere 134hp.

I suppose in another category on CL, he made a reference to 14 inches when it's really only 3 inches.

(It's likely that one was flagged also.)

Delia

[InkaSteve]

Thank you for saving a masterful piece of writing.....

Now it is "Hammertime"