Some useful tips here.
Who's That Knocking At Your Door?
People ask me, knowing that I have been married twice and once had a steamy liason with an Afghani cleaning lady from Marrakesh - "Arnold - what can I do about a terrorist attack?"
Fortunately a few simple precautions should suffice.....
1) Upon greeting the day, examine the car for any loose red wires, particularly if leading to a large black thing which you thought was the engine.
2) Before leaving, have your driveway swept for mines and carefully watch with binoculars any work crew purportedly repairing potholes or digging cable tv trenches. If they stop every five minutes for a smoke, they are legitimate workers and you have a clear run to the next corner. Repeat your survey until you reach your destination.
3) Avoid buses, trains, planes, ships, white vans, chemical plants, oil refineries, power stations, large
buildings, shopping malls, mosques, stadiums, embassies, donkeys, robed belly dancers, twirling
dervishes, post offices, petrol stations, and anyone with large gold rings attached to their ears or nose.
4) Have someone else collect your mail and open it. If they immediately start sneezing, run to the nearest
car wash and spray yourself down. (Keep loose change in your pocket at all times so you have enough
money for the soap 'n suds feature.)
5) Do not go on any fun fair ride which includes a black tunnel or swinging chairs.
6) Refrain this year from personally consulting any swarthy looking individual with a crystal ball and /or moustache, male or female. This includes your boss.
7) If the phone rings, retreat under your desk and listen to the answering machine. If it's a government official or the IRS, do not call them back. If smoke comes from the answering machine, quickly move away towards your supervisor with the desk still on your back.
8) Returning home, check the lawn mower for any loose red wires........ Have the dog - or cat - first taste your pork chops and pretest the wine for sulphuric acid.
9) Switch the television on by the remote as you stay safely hidden in the bathroom. It might be best not to flush the toilet for a few weeks until the terror alert - and the toilet come to that - changes to green.
10) Before going to bed,
a) Throw a shoe down the hall and see if someone shoots it.
Announce in a loud voice "I'm going now to visit my Aunt Mary in Tuscaloosa. I shall be back
Tuesday." (Foolishly the average terrorist will immediately head for Tuscaloosa.)
c) Check under the bed for any loose red wires.....
d) Switch off all lights and lie perfectly still even if you see shadows flit across the duct taped
moonlit window. Now is the time for prayer.
There you have it! Oh, and I forgot to mention – have a nice day........